It’s been a long time, months maybe, since I have been wanting to write about family. I do not intend to get in the specifics and polemics of what is a family, who composes it and so and so forth. Rather, I would like to talk about the influence of the family in our overall development. To do that, I will tell three stories you may not know related to three completely different individuals: the American singer and “Piano Man”, Billy Joel; an American fitness youtuber called Mari and a common Brazilian girl, a.k.a. myself.
One of my all-time favorite songs is called Vienna, by Billy Joel. What I like the most about it is how it was originated and, of course, its general meaning. When Joel was around the age of eight, his father separated from his mother and moved to Europe. 15 or 16 years later, after having to track his dad down, he arranged a meeting with him in Vienna. As they are strolling around the Austrian city, Billy sees an old lady sweeping the streets and, in shock, inquired how could that poor old woman be doing “heavy” work at such an advanced age. His father then explained to the twentyish and full-energy son that that lady still had a part to play in society, despite her elderliness. Joel was baffled by the concept of life “not-ending” after its first three or four decades and that completely shifted and shaped his perspective on how he should, would or could approach his professional career as a musician, as well as inspired him to write the song.
What I found the most intriguing in this whole thing, as I am connecting dots and relating my story to theirs, is the power of family in the creation of the self. I mean, Joel maybe felt like he had to go after his father to understand something about himself, to listen to an advice, to fill in an empty space. And something Joel’s dad said to him, maybe out of complete spontaneity, had a grand influence on personal and professional levels. Would it have made that big of a difference if the same thing was told by a teacher or even his mother? Would it have mattered or have affected him as much? What if this family issue was something that he had to solve for his own sake, even at a much older age? Maybe in the case of Mari, she dealt with it a similar problem in a different manner? What about my case, to what extent can I “blame” self-esteem or confidence, for example, to the education I had at home and the fact I did not face substantial stressful situations or to my own personality?
The same goes for other very extreme experiences like in cases of physical and psychological abuses and/or substance addiction in the family… How can we estimate and assess their impact? Is it even possible? They obviously have a much more forceful effect that we can account for at the time we are living it. Surely, when presented to different psychotherapy methods people may be confronted with these realities, but even without it we can wonder. I mean, I do.
I find it very important to be aware of the role of family, not only mine in my own life, but also when it comes to others. The more we understand the other, the more empathy we can have for one another (like in the movie the Ender’s Game, but that is a completely different topic I will not even begin right now). After all, it is the difference and the likeness that unite us as human. Different stories with the same outcome, same stories with completely different results, the different ways to surpass a problem, the different experiences we can talk about with others and that we can teach and learn and connect.
Most of all, I think I would like to show my gratitude to my family for the beautiful ride we have had so far. Also, somewhat encourage others to do the same and take some time to analyze and acknowledge their own luck in their own way.
To be honest I’m not completely sure what was the end goal here, so please, excuse me! I hope you didn’t feel like you’ve wasted your time coming this far! Surely there are much more to this than my simple observations and many points of views to evaluate it from. I have a feeling I will come back to this theme a few more times, don’t mind if I do.
What do you think? Do you agree, disagree, don’t care?
A.Z.
A little bit about the story of how “Vienna” was written.
Billy Joel’s song, Vienna.
I found Mari’s video talking about how she overcame overweight in a YouTube recommendations list. How does YouTube algorithm know me so well is still a puzzle to solve. I do like to watch these random videos which seemly have no purpose or connection to my life whatsoever, but somehow are somewhat interesting, entertaining and do actually bring a kind of popular wisdom. This one in particular got my attention, because I often watch the stories of people who are battling or who conquered overweight/obesity, a problem which, more often than not, is linked to previous childhood emotional and psychological issues. I guess I like stories of people who prevailed any sort of adversity. In her video, Mari records the roots of her problem as being related to the divorce of her parents in her early teens and how that caused such confusion and physical consequences that she was only able to manage many years later.Mari’s journey.
My story, on the other hand, goes a bit in the opposite direction of these two. I always had, up to this day, a very well-structured traditional family. Like any other human being on earth, I endured my obstacles and dilemmas. However, I always had a stable support system and strong foundation to rely on. Fortunately, both of my parents were very loving and very present in my life. Also, luckily, I never had a major and more serious childhood trauma, instead a very light and positive infancy and youth, full of opportunities to explore. And therefore, my impasses were of a different order, much more internal than properly caused by family matters. (I do not have a video about it though, sorry!) And by any means I am bragging about this circumstance, even so because it would make no sense as I could have been a Mari or a Joel in another life, right? No one chooses their family. Also, I don’t mean to victimize neither of them because: 1) I don’t know them personally and/or intimately nor am them, hence I cannot discuss deeply about their lives and 2) they seem to be very successful people and to be doing just fine.
What I found the most intriguing in this whole thing, as I am connecting dots and relating my story to theirs, is the power of family in the creation of the self. I mean, Joel maybe felt like he had to go after his father to understand something about himself, to listen to an advice, to fill in an empty space. And something Joel’s dad said to him, maybe out of complete spontaneity, had a grand influence on personal and professional levels. Would it have made that big of a difference if the same thing was told by a teacher or even his mother? Would it have mattered or have affected him as much? What if this family issue was something that he had to solve for his own sake, even at a much older age? Maybe in the case of Mari, she dealt with it a similar problem in a different manner? What about my case, to what extent can I “blame” self-esteem or confidence, for example, to the education I had at home and the fact I did not face substantial stressful situations or to my own personality?
The same goes for other very extreme experiences like in cases of physical and psychological abuses and/or substance addiction in the family… How can we estimate and assess their impact? Is it even possible? They obviously have a much more forceful effect that we can account for at the time we are living it. Surely, when presented to different psychotherapy methods people may be confronted with these realities, but even without it we can wonder. I mean, I do.
I find it very important to be aware of the role of family, not only mine in my own life, but also when it comes to others. The more we understand the other, the more empathy we can have for one another (like in the movie the Ender’s Game, but that is a completely different topic I will not even begin right now). After all, it is the difference and the likeness that unite us as human. Different stories with the same outcome, same stories with completely different results, the different ways to surpass a problem, the different experiences we can talk about with others and that we can teach and learn and connect.
Most of all, I think I would like to show my gratitude to my family for the beautiful ride we have had so far. Also, somewhat encourage others to do the same and take some time to analyze and acknowledge their own luck in their own way.
To be honest I’m not completely sure what was the end goal here, so please, excuse me! I hope you didn’t feel like you’ve wasted your time coming this far! Surely there are much more to this than my simple observations and many points of views to evaluate it from. I have a feeling I will come back to this theme a few more times, don’t mind if I do.
What do you think? Do you agree, disagree, don’t care?
A.Z.
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